I don’t even know where to begin, nothing in life has ever come easy for me, I have had my ups and downs but have always held onto what is right and what is wrong. I have spent my life depending on logic and not letting my emotions lead me, I wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t. I have known my fate for years; my life will end by my own hands. I know it, I have seen it and I accept it, yet my logical brain has never allowed it.

Over the course of the last few months, everything has changed and I know longer have that control. My emotions are taking over and I feel like I am at a war, in a battle that cannot be won. There has to be a balance between the light and the darkness when one side takes over the battle is lost. I have been lost in my own self-pity and drowning in a sea of darkness for much too long, dancing with the demons that made me.

Recently, I saw the light and was happy with myself for the first time in many years. Then just as fast as it come, it was gone. I finally hit my bottom and was done. After, a fun night of drinking and partying, I walked into my empty bedroom and decided I was done. It just clicked and I was ready. I sat down, wrote a note to my family and told myself there was no going back. I remember getting up and putting my shoes and coat on to walk into the woods. The coyotes were yelping outside and I hoped the smell of blood flowing from my wrist would draw them in. Then something must have happened, I must have never gone.

The next thing, I know I am being woke up by several female voices, calling my name at once. It was like a chaotic chant, only two voices stood out. A voice that was almost song like, completely the opposite of all the other voices. It was a pretty sound, meant to draw me in. I could feel its darkness behind the sweetness. Then there was a loud voice, the one that finally woke me up, it was hard, loud and familiar.  

I still don’t know why I didn’t go through with it. My shoes were sitting nicely by my bed,  and my coat flung over the back of a chair. I feel that it was the darkness that saved me and now the real battle has begun.